Nine Things MORE PERFECT Than Nine Perfect Strangers

Listen. I love Nicole, lord knows I do, but what in the name of Ben Affleck is Nine Perfect Strangers!?

Whooo decided to make this weird ass show in the first place, but more importantly WHOOO decided we needed a resort moment after JUST having watched the perfection (the delight, the magic, the excellence) that is Jennifer Coolidge on White Lotus (but also, honestly, what the hell is THAT show — I don’t have the strength to discuss that one today — I mean my god a man pooped in a suitcase and nobody has talked about it). Don’t TV people get together and chat about things like show themes and schedules? I know they’re not the same television program but they’re sorta the same television program? Whatever. I don’t even care about that — whooo let this Nine Perfect Strangers show come to life and what is actually happening? Can we talk about it??

The whole thing felt so promising in the beginning.

  1. Melissa McCarthy? CHECK.
  2. Regina Hall. Michael Shannon. Luke Evans. CHECK. CHECK. CHECK.
  3. The possibility of seeing Bobby Cannavale naked. CHECKITY CHECK!

BUT THEN — Lady Kidman shows up with hair whiter and bleachier than that Oprah Show visit to Australia back in 2010! Is that a wig? Is she dehydrated? I think we might need to call the poison control center over to her chateau, girlfriend might be drinking bleach! How else does a person get hair this dry and brittle and WHITE WHITE WHHIIITE.

GET THIS GIRL A GATORADE.

While we’re at it? Nicki’s face is tighter than my ass cheeks while waiting for the results of the 2020 presidential election. We’re talking military bed making tight. Bounce a quarter tight. Don’t get upset about that comment. You have eyeballs, probably, and you can see how tight the face is. You also don’t need to lecture me about the difficulties women in Hollywood face (lol face) — I read the news. None of those arguments and lectures can make her face be less tight than a brand new red delicious apple.

(side note: please don’t eat red delicious apples they’re gross).

BUT ALSO — the face is the least of our worries. She’s gorgeous. She’s beautiful. She’s my favorite of Tom Cruise’s former wives — WAIT — NOPE — just kidding Mimi Rogers (remember her?) she was Tom’s FIRST wife. She played Barbra Streisand’s sister in The Mirror Has Two Faces, so Mimi’s totes my fave.

ANYWAY.

I love Nick, but this accent.

HELLO, 911? WHAT IS THIS ACCENT.

I know she’s the producer of this thing, but couldn’t anyone be like — GIRL, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY WIG BUT WE NEED TO GET YOU AN ACCENT COACH. This thing she’s doing sounds like Count Chocula and Yakov Smirnoff had an Australian baby. Those are terrible throwbacks to the pop culture icons of my childhood that sound nothing like what Nicole is doing with her voice in this series, but also THERE IS NO VIABLE COMPARISON HERE BECAUSE IT’S A MESS. Sometimes she’s full on The Count von Count from Sesame Street, and then other times she’s absolutely Nicole Mary Kidaman from Sydney, Australia. It’s on. It’s off. It’s on. It’s off. on off on off on off — I think you get the point. It’s definitely distracting and totally takes me out of whatever is happening on this show.

Howevs, when I get a couple minutes without the dry hair and creepy spying and tight face and WILD AND STUDIED pronunciation of the words TRANQUILLUM HOUSE — I think to myself — THIS SHOW IS NOT GOOD WHY AM I STILL WATCHING. A near death by grape moment? People digging their own graves while I worry how this white witch might get solar poisoning out in this island sun — shit I’m back on Kidman I can’t help myself.

ANYWAY. I thought it might be time to talk about NINE things that are MORE PERFECT than Nine Perfect Strangers and its 900 versions of a Russian accent.

Nicole’s Divorce Outfit.

I said a bunch of nasty things about our girl Nicki before I finished my breakfast, so here’s me making up for it. Is there anything better, one might say MORE PERFECT, than these paparazzi shots of Ms. Kidman throwing on these sneakers and clam diggers and prancing through the streets singing what I can only imagine is the entire score to HELLO, DOLLY after divorcing Tom Cruise’s weird ass back in August 2001?

Me thinks NOT.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Girl. I know you’re a classy lady with your tea parties and your elbow patched blazers and collection of Baccarat Crystal and that MFA you got from Marymount, but let me get you a brown paper bag to breath into while I give you some news. This season of #RHOBH is so good you might forget you have an appointment next week to get your face fillers refreshed. The divorce of Erika and Tom Girardi — is dramatic and wild, and I don’t care if you’d rather have a live reading of King Lear in your sitting room — you cannot miss it. Get yourself to BRAVO and get your life.

This look from Jennifer Lopez.

I am not Anna Wintour. I do not know what is happening here other than this is one Ms. Jennifer Lopez, Ms. Jenny from The Block, Ms. lemme break off a piece of Batman — in what the internet is telling me is Dolce & Gabbana. All I do know is that it is perfect, and that’s all I’m gonna say about it.

Jen Psaki.

Jen Psaki. Forever and always. She’s the current bad ass White House Press Secretary. She’s always smacking around right wing jerks with shocking poise and ease, but yesterday! BABY! Her response to a reporter asking how a Catholic president could be against the abortion ruling in Texas was, perhaps, her greatest work.

“I know you’ve never faced those choices, nor have you ever been pregnant, but for women out there who have faced those choices, this is an incredibly difficult thing. The president believes their right should be respected.”

Need to see the video? You can watch it here.

BOW DOWN.

That’s nine right? Happy Friday, and welcome to my new blog. xx

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