AMERICAS NEXT TOP ACTIVIST

Girl.

To know me is to know I love love ALL CAPS LOVE AND ADORE celebrities. I read books with Reese, I make recipes with Gwyneth, I put whatever products Oprah and Gayle are trying to make me buy on layaway. I am in it. I’m obsessed. I’m on the edge of my seat ready to take it in, soak it up, and live my very best person on a budget trying to afford a tiny tube of La Mer LIFE!

But HOOOO BOY — we need to talk!

If there is one thing I have learned during this covid nightmare (other than I am not afraid to holler at your mom if she gets too close to me in Target while I’m trying to find the Activia yogurt with the best expiration date) is celebrities have lost their damned minds.

While I might be staying up late reading whatever summer thriller Ms Witherspoon is forcing down my corneas her thirsty ass Instagram account has me ready to alert the authorities. Do your goofy dance, sweetie, make those silly faces, but when you try to enter the world of us real folks by shoving cake into your mouth — mmm mmm, no, ma’am. Am I really supposed to believe she has eaten a slice of cake since 1984? I hope not because I don’t. AND WITH HER BARE HANDS? Nope, not Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon. That’s not how they do it in Tennessee. She’s lucky she hasn’t been arrested by her local chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution.

BUT IM GETTING OFF TRACK.

Yes, she (and every other celebrity) is thirsty AF right now, but why not have the butler hold your iPhone while you shoot a 20 second video for some much needed attention?! What else are you supposed to do? Shoot a Zoom play?

Gross. Please stop making Zoom theater. Nobody is enjoying it — WE HAVE NETFLIX.

The cake, these dances, the tiktoks, Oprah pretending to pick vegetables out of her own garden — ALL OF IT — pales in comparison to today’s news of the newest reality competition show: The Activist. Pardon me, I’m being too pedestrian, they’re calling it a, “Global Citizen competition series.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And you thought I was a mess with my Paltrow Vagina candle and recipe for Agave-Sweetened Lemonade. Just kidding! I would never use agave!

The five-week reality series will be hosted by the exact three people we all picture when we hear the word ACTIVISM: Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Usher, and Julianne Hough. Lord it took me 45 minutes to type that sentence I kept snort laughing and nearly split my SKIMS. The show, a partnership with real life advocacy organization Global Citizen will feature six inspiring activists who will work with three high-profile figures to bring meaningful change in the realms of health, education, and environment.

IM SORRY — WHAT? What do those words even mean? There is so much smoke here and too many GD mirrors.

HUH?

So what you’re really telling me is I’m going to have to watch Julianne not do the Paso Doble? I’m going to have to hear Priyanka NOT tell me what Nick Jonas smells like? IM NOT GOING TO HAVE USHER NOT THROW FAKE MONEY AT ME WHILE I GIVE HIM A LAP DANCE?

This sounds like some real horse shit.

The show description gets us even further into the doo doo …

“Activists go head-to-head in challenges to promote their causes, with their success measured via online engagement, social metrics, and hosts’ input. The three teams have one ultimate goal: to create impactful movements that amplify their message, drive action, and advance them to the G20 Summit in Rome, Italy. There, they will meet with world leaders in the hope of securing funding and awareness for their causes. The team that receives the largest commitment is celebrated as the overall winner at the finale, which will also feature musical performances by some of the world’s most passionate artists.”

This sounds like some Drag Race RuPaul shenanigans.

Whoever has the most hashtags wins? Yeah. Nothing says saving the world like trending on Twitter.

GIRL. BYE.

Though, I’m not going to lie — watching Julianne Hough at the G20 Summit sounds like the most riveting drama since this season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. After I check-in for that train wreck, probably I’m out! It’s cool though, I’m sure I’ll have plenty of cake eating videos from my girl Reese.

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