American Independence: groundbreaking.

After a night of flipping through Twitter and Insta watching some rather interesting fashion choices, you might be asking yourself, “WHAT IS A MET GALA.” To which I say — get yourself a gay friend. The Met Gala is the sobriquet (French because we’re being fancy) of the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Gala. It’s really just the fashion version of a bake sale, to help raise money for the Costume Institute/Fashion Department. It’s the only curatorial section of the museum that has to do this. It’s hard to tell if that’s an insult, or if the museum knows what it’s doing. Probably they know what they’re doing since a lot of us spent the night flipping through pics and hash-tagging MET GALA until we fell asleep.

The event usually happens on the first Tuesday in May and really kicks off the fashion season, but gestures wildly in every direction. Of course it’s late. Of course it’s happening at some random time. You can watch it on E! or probably live on Twitter if you’re a teenager who knows how to do things like that. BUT HONESTLY — who has time for that or wants to hear real commentary on the outfits anyway!? It’s much more fun to take screen shots on Twitter and text them to your friends with bitchy comments. There’s usually a theme, and this year’s was — LOL — American Independence.

Mkay, girl.

In 2019 the theme was “camp” inspired by Susan Sontag’s 1964 essay, “Notes on Camp.” Yeah, darling — SONTAG. I know you’re thinking these outfits are frivolous and ridiculous but this is The Met — they like to keep it HIGHBROW. Other themes have honored specific designers like Alexander McQueen and Rei Kawakubo or styles like punk and “Sunday best” for an exhibit about Catholic dress.

BUT … American Independence.

OKAY.

This year’s exhibit, because there’s always an exhibit connected to the gala. Despite what you might be thinking about the ridiculousness of the affair — the theme, the over the top looks we all make fun of, your attitude toward Anna Wintour and Vogue — it’s really about bringing attention to the exhibit. Yes, I just defended this whole thing, I’m also shocked.

This year’s theme will be presented in two-parts. The first, “In America: A Lexicon of Fashion,” will celebrate The costume Institute’s 75th Anniversary. It’s inspired by patchwork quilt, with 100 or so looks encased and arranged as squares. The second part, “In America: An Anthology of Fashion,” features notable American film directors to create cinematic vignettes depicting fashion from the 18th century to the present.

Blame it on Covid if you want, but last night’s theme was a snooze. Usually there are really wild and eye opening choices. Last night, while definitely watchable because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST FUN EVENTS OF THE YEAR, it really just made me sad. Where was my Frances McDormand with a lamp shade on her head? Where was Kacey Musgraves as a real-life Barbie? It was sorta sad. Oh, well, that’s how we do it here in COVID TIMES — it’s one little disappointment after another.

Anywho, here are some of my favorite moments.

Yes, I have been wearing this old JCrew tshirt and busted jorts for three days. Yes, I look like an extra from a Mad Max movie sitting here with my hair all over the place in every direction — but this is my super bowl and I’ll make fun of these heauxs if I wanna.

Let’s hope next year is light on covid and FULL ALL THE WAY FULL of drama.

This look is giving me Miss Ellie Ewing has had it with the way you fools are stirring up trouble in Dallas REALNESS. The leg says I can jog all the way to Texas and back, the hat tells me she might mean business, and this statement necklace — well — this is Southfork, honey — were you expecting pearls?? JLo wasn’t gone, but Batman’s D — definitely has her stepping back into her power and I AM LOVING IT. Gimme that hand on the hip deep shoulder action, sweetheart — I’m here for it.

This is the kind of crap I was expecting when I heard this theme. I say crap because if this were on any other person, I would have to have surgery to have my eyes put back into my head. I MEAN IT MAKES ME WANNA ROLL MY EYES, but for some reason Deb is making me wanna stand up and applaud — right after I get done making the flag or like whatever.

Lupita is everything. To me this look says — America you’re beautiful but your cracks are starting to show. This might be my favorite look of the night. It’s an artistic interp of the theme that doesn’t send me to a research library.

The ghost of Cicely Tyson. Girl, you were a vision in Trip to Bountiful.

Dear Evan Hanson:

If it’s not weird song phrasing or necessary vibrato it’s a Canadian Tuxedo. Is this 70s getup his way of letting us know that he’s not 16, he’s actually from the 70s and is 47 years old??? Has there ever been a person more thirsty than this one? LEMME TELL YOU: NAW. There ain’t.

It’s a no from me, Dog.

WHY ARE MEN SO BORING?

It’s official. I have a crush on Lil Nas X.

Who can be mad at Iman? Not me. I’m just worried about how she’s gonna sit and eat dinner. More than anything though — I’m ready for her production of Hello, Dolly!

Oh, Kimberly Kardashian.

I’m just gonna say it. I’m tired of Dan. This face is about 75% of his acting choices. Yes he’s gorgeous. I’m just tired of it because I binge watched Schitt’s Creek and so I’m kinda over it. This outfit is simply the worst. It’s like he thought the theme was “the one where Joey puts on all of Chandler’s clothes and bursts into Monica’s apartment.” This is supposed to be some commentary on gay marriage because the art on the top (LOL TOP) — is from a gay artist? Listen, please don’t wear something that requires me to have a PhD in art history. I can’t.

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