by Jeremy Owens
GIRL.
I cannot stop thinking about Joy!
Don’t act like you don’t know who I’m talking about, and please for the love of CHEESE do not go thinking I am talking about HAPPINESS — that’s ridiculous. How many people do you know named JOY. This isn’t 1952, sweetheart, YOU DONT KNOW NOT A ONE. The only JOY is one Ms. Josephine Victoria Behar. Well, yes, there’s that one cranky aunt, but we haven’t been allowed to speak of her since she ruined Easter Brunch back in ’05 by finally admitting she voted for Bush.
WHAT A SHONDA! (It’s Yiddish, look it up.)
Like any self respecting homosexual with the occasional run-in with dignity — I WAS GOBSMACKED, FLABBERGASTED, dare I say — SHOOKETH with last Friday’s VIEW/COVID imbroglio.
Yes, baby, IMBROGLIO.
For those of you living under the compost heap out back … last Friday’s taping of The View was abruptly delayed after two of the show’s hosts learned they had tested positive for COVID — moments before Vice President Harris was to join them on set. This sounds dramatic enough, BUT this is The View — these ladies practically invented drama. Cohosts Sunny Hostin and Ana Navarro WERE AT THE TABLE READY TO START THE SHOW, but then were asked by an off camera producer to please step off the set — LIVE ON MY TELEVISION.
I KNOW GIRL — my ass clenched ALL THE WAY UP.
The scene was so abrupt and shocking I thought Elizabeth Hasselbeck had maybe broken into the studio and had at long last taken over the control room. BUT ALAS (hooo — can you even), it was just our friend Covid. The two remaining cohosts Sara Haines and Behar were left to navigate the show on their own. I mean, fine, part of that job means working through a crisis IN REAL TIME. LOL — I mean I guess. BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE — showing up at work to cohost a show you’ve been working on for basically 25 years (she took a year off) — you find out Whoopi isn’t coming in today so you’ll be the lead moderator WHILE THE VICE PRESIDENT VISITS and and and — THEN! — MY GOD THEN — LIVE ON AIR two other coworkers are suddenly taken off set?
AT THE AGE OF SEVENTY EIGHT.
Honey, I’m 45 and I need a special announcement and a couple hours notice that my boss might be thinking about coming into my office.
AND DO NOT FORGET — the VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is coming to have a little chat with you today, so you gotta let all this slide and be chill and calm because the Secret Service is watching and now figuring out how to manage her little visit to your little television program.
WHILE YOU WAIT.
LIVE ON THE TELEVISION.
Do you know any people who are aged 78?
Do they seem like the kind of people who can just vamp a show while this drama unfolds? My grandma can’t control her mouth about what I’ve decided to wear today much less manage this kind of stress.
GOOD LORD.
And I’m not making fun of older folks. I respect my elders, but I tell you what — I don’t know what you plan to be doing when you’re 78, but I hope to be collecting my Social Security check while getting a massage poolside. I thought all you did at 78 was complain about coupons at Walgreens while a two mile line forms behind you. THATS ALL IM HOPING FOR. I sure as hell cannot be managing a full-blown medical crisis for your entertainment. I don’t care how much money they offer me. I am unavailable. I don’t even want to be handing out shopping carts and saying hello to y’all down at the Walmart at that point.
MMM MMM — no, Ma’am!
SSo please join me in giving my girl Joy a standing ovation. I mean she mostly looked like she was in control, at least she pretended to be while waiting on the VP and answering questions from audience members. LIVE QUESTIONS SEEMINGLY WITHOUT PRODUCERS CONTROLLING THE SITUATION. Answering questions! Like she’s been working for TWENTY FIVE YEARS on some radio call in show! Like she’s slumming it on 103.5fm. As if she hasn’t had to deal with BARBRA MF WALTERS and ROSIE and HASSELSACK and STAR JONES and HURRICANE MCCAIN!
Goooood LORD.
Can someone call up Joe and get this woman a Purple Heart? And she’s still going, baby. Those tests turned out to be false positives and Mama Joy is there just taking it all in strice. Hell, she was on there this morning hollering at people and giving side eye about the “Build Back Better” Bill.
Hooo — I salute you, Joy!
Jeremy Owens is originally from Stuttgart, Arkansas, the rice and duck capital OF THE WORLD. He is the creator, producer and host of You’re Being Ridiculous, a long running live-lit show most recently featured at Steppenwolf as part of their LookOut Series. Jeremy’s writing has appeared in Alma, Chicago Magazine, and others. He met Cher at a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton in 2016 and has yet to recover
Miss you Jeremy. The only character found in this state where I now reside is Florida Man, and he’s notorious for just plain being dumb. No one clever, insightful, witty (and politically astute) like you. Please visit next time you drive south!
MISS YOU TOO! Miss your HILARIOUS stories! Hope you’re doing well. Don’t let the bastards get you down! xo