MAYBE SHE’S BORN WITH IT?

GIRL.

Looky here. You know I’d rather walk on my lips than talk about somebody, but I just — well — I guess I’m going to have to say a little extra prayer tonight and put a bonus shot of holy water in my vodka tonic before bed.

Now. Imma need you to take a seat. Trust me, this is for your own good — I’m about to drop a real doozy of a GIANT FINGER QUOTES news story on you and I need you to be ready.

You got that seat? OK, good, but maybe get you a pillow and add a blanket to keep your legs warm and a cute little mug of cocoa.

You got it?

You ready now? Here goes.

With her talk show coming to an end next year, Ms. Ellen has decided to set her sights on skincare. Yes, baby, SKIN CARE. Like she’s trying to get y’all to grease your face up for some extra glow, maybe make you feel like you look a little younger.

Oh, girl. I’m not so sure about this one. You know I love a celebrity side hustle. I’m drinking Jennifer Anniston’s Smart Water (though maybe it’s Pete Davidson’s now?), reading everything Reese tells me to, loving AMC theaters like Nicole Kidman wants me to do, but throwing some Ellen Degeneres Hater-Aide Moisturizer on my face to help fight my fine lines and wrinkles might be where I need to draw a line.

A BIG BOLD LINE.

First off — I mean — Ellen? A skin care line? Ellen DeGeneres? What you got for me next — is super model Rosie O’Donnell gonna sell me her new line of lip kits? Listen, I know every celebrity has to hawk something, but I think vegan mac & cheese might be more Ellen’s speed. Dance lessons? Lesbian U-Haul ads? A line of scissors? Maybe pair up with the Keebler Elf and sell me a sandwich cookie. Who decided this is a thing Ellen needed to do?

TO TOP IT OFF — it’s called — and I really hope you’re still sitting down — KIND Science.

KIND. KIND! Kind as in nice!

ELLEN DEGENERES. She of the famously toxic work environment.

This fool is literally LOL-ing in our faces.

TOXIC WORK ENVIRONMENT? CANCEL MY SHOW!? HOLD MY CARGO SHORTS, I’VE GOT SOMETHING GOOD FOR Y’ALL.

I mean why not let Harvey Weinstein open a gentlemen’s club, y’all. MIGHT AS WELL, CLEARLY AIN’T NOBODY IN CHARGE.

KIND. SCIENCE. Quit it.

“There’s something that I’m very excited about. I have been working on this for three years and I’m excited to share it with you today,” she said on her show, first joking that her big news was figuring out “how to turn off the flashlight on an iPhone.” 

Well. HAR HAR HAR. Cellphone flashlight. Mmm hmm. We get it. You’re SIXTY.

She went on to announce her new business endeavor, describing the skincare line as, “age positive skin care that actually works.”

Three years? Girl, I wish she had completely devoted herself to that instead of making me watch these silly ass game shows she keeps hosting. Ellen’s Game of Games? GET OUT OF HERE WITH THAT MESS.

In addition to family and friends, DeGeneres added that the skin care line – which will be available to shop on October 26 – was sent “to other people to test it” and “everyone’s loving it.”

Who? George W. Bush? Did he love it? What about those employees you were hateful to?? Did they?

“We call it Kind Science because it is kind to animals, it is kind to your skin, it’s kind to the planet, and it’s kind to your wallet. So it’s all kind,” she added. While exact products have yet to be revealed, Kind Science’s website teases “high performance, effective skincare” with the tagline, “embrace your age, not your wrinkles.”

This is probably where I’m supposed to say something like, “I’m sure Ellen is a very nice person, but …” I think we can all agree that’s just not true. I’ve been ready to throw her out in the dumpster out back since she dismissed the Twitter shit storm that exploded in response to hanging out with George W at a football game by saying, “I’m friends with a lot of people who don’t share the same beliefs that I have. We’re all different, and I think we’ve forgotten that that’s OK that we’re all different. When I say, ‘Be kind to one another,’ I don’t mean only the people that think the same way you do. I mean be kind to everyone.”

It’s a nice sentiment. I am a person who TRIES to be kind to everyone. Shit I smiled at a MF this morning who pulled out in front of me like a maniac. BUT — I think having a hard rule about people who deny my existence as a homosexual person not being allowed to pal around with me in public is a pretty low bar. I think that’s some KINDNESS we can forget to give.

It’s a no from me, boo. Please go out in the woods somewhere and get really good at Yoga and write a book about it or just, you know: BE QUIET for a damned minute. At least give me the chance to maybe forget that you’re NOT KIND. Let me miss you! Please!

Whatever. I guess at long last Lesbians have their own skincare line.

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