BUCKLE UP

by Jessica Besser-Rosenberg

Sometimes, one needs to put all this Utah drama in perspective. Like when Mary shows up at Whitney’s house with a fresh batch of cookies and a gruesome tale about how the previous night, one of her congregants’ daughter’s crashed her car, flew through her sunroof, and landed on a neighborhood 30 feet below the freeway. And in case you were curious, Whitney’s young children were present and clinging to Mary’s every word. And no, Mary did not hold back on any gory details. And yes, the driver died. And OH YES, Whitney’s children – wide-eyed and horrified – will trace back decades of therapy and their inability to eat cookies without having night terrors to this one conservation. A second later, Mary exclaims “I’m so excited to be here. Wear your seatbelt.” It’s possible Mary thinks that stories like these are small talk because she has the emotional intelligence of drywall. Or maybe this congregant’s daughter is her husband Robert Sr. and maybe she’s just trying to cover up her elation at the news of his passing. But this really makes twitter feuds and catering fights seem like child’s play.

Speaking of petty, Lisa is still reeling from her fight with her friend Angie (aka the Mormon Sarah Paulson). 

Angie has become close with Whitney and believes that the caterers dropped out of her charity event last week because Lisa was unhappy about Wangie’s (this is a GREAT portmanteau, don’t @ me) budding friendship. Angie is convinced that Lisa, who knows the caterers, told them to take their party sandwiches and run for the ski slopes. Lisa’s husband John convinces Lisa to try to make amends with Whitney; after all, John really likes Whitney’s husband Justin because they both have the energy level of a bag of dead leaves.

Rejoice! Heather’s daughter, Ashley, is accepted into UCSB and Heather is concerned that she has never had the sex talk with her. Over Irish coffee and a charcuterie plate on a ski hill (fine, I’ll go skiing if this is what skiing is) Meredith gently coaches Heather about how to talk to your children about sex and also ensure they abstain from juice. That’s just empty calories. In conclusion, yes to condoms, no to cran. 

Jen has been desperate to half-apologize to Brooks. So Meredith chauffeurs him to a restaurant for a tete-a-tete with the Shah-Monster. Brook articulates very plainly how he was hurt by her cyberbullying which targeted his sexuality – something he is still working through himself and did not want to work through on Twitter. Jen apologizes on behalf of the people running her social media but truly takes no personal responsibility. Nonetheless, Brooks accepts her apology because he wants to move on. Now we can get back to real problems like why the heck are Meredith’s sleeves so damn large and what is she hiding in there?

In case you hadn’t vomited up your dinner, all the husbands head out for a guys’ night and it’s as douchey as you can imagine. Seth jokes that he can have sex with Meredith anytime so long as he doesn’t wake her up and all the guys laugh like this isn’t the most disturbing thing they’ve ever heard. Then they get serious for a minute and acknowledge life would be easier if their wives all got along. But that’s enough sincerity for now. Back to Seth’s marital rape jokes!

Lisa invites Whitney and WHAT IN THE NAME OF BRIGHAM YOUNG IS WHITNEY WEARING ON HER LEGS. 

I can only describe these as bridal jeans and it’s a hard no for me, dog. Lisa wants to start fresh with Whitney and Whitney wants to know why Lisa has been so mean to her over the past few years. I’d start with those god-awful doily pants, but that’s just me. Lisa is very apologetic but insists everything has been a misunderstanding. Whitney is like “Was it a misunderstanding when you told Angie to ignore me? What it a misunderstanding when you ignored me at every Bravo-sponsored event we’ve been contractually obligated to attend?” Lisa is like yes, absolutely, 100%, have some gin for new beGINnings and forget that I am a cool mean girl, and you are an insecure tablecloth. The two agree to spend more one-on-one time together which we can already see in next week’s previews, backfires. 


Jessica Besser-Rosenberg is a Chicago-based writer, comedian, and admirer of all the women on every Real Housewives franchise ever. (Except D.C. That one sucked.) Her work has been featured in the RedEye, MockMoms, The Belladonna Comedy, The Second City Network, and the iO Comedy Network. Follow her on Twitter at @JessGBR.

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