by Jessica Besser-Rosenberg
On this episode of RHOSLC, Lisa checks every Real Housewives activity cliché off of her list. First, she gets to know Whitney through silk-rope acrobatics, which is when stay-at-home moms try stripping for a day and pee a little bit when flexing.
Then she gets fish pedicures with Meredith and Jenny. While baby piranhas munch on their dead foot flesh, Jenny shares the incredible trauma of having a stillborn child and ten miscarriages. Her husband Duy, who has established himself as Voldemort of the Rocky Mountain Region, wants more children even though Jenny has sacrificed her physical and mental health to have babies, of which she has three awesome ones already. On a snowy hike later in the episode, Duy suggests bringing a sister-wife into the family for baby-making. Duy is pretty much the antagonist in a Dixie Chicks banger. Duy’s GOTTA GO!
Meanwhile, poor Mary is adjusting to having Robert Sr. back home. He was stuck in Florida all pandemic but now he’s back, and half-cooking chicken and making short-grained rice to Mary’s chagrin. Over a game of what can’t really be classified as tennis, Mary confides in Meredith that her relationship works when her son is at home because she and Robert Sr. focus on him.
But now that her son is getting ready to move out, she’s deeply uncomfortable with the prospect of living with Robert alone. Well, if she got comfortable with the prospect of boinking her step-grandpa, she can get comfortable with just two of them in the house. Just a hunch.
Jen is still riding the apology express and drags her assistant/co-defendant to buy jewelry for all the women to show them her love. This is especially laughable because all this shit is going to be repossessed soon enough. She debates buying the ladies snake rings to show that she’s sorry they were terrible people before, but they’ve now shed their evil skin. Her assistant Stu and the jeweler redirect her instead to snowflake necklaces which represent everyone’s unique personality and set of circumstances, like how Lisa owns a tequila company or how Jen is going to jail.
Jen is also trying to mend fences with her son who she has alienated by being herself. She thinks volunteering at his school and meeting his friends will help. He gives her a look like “just guess who is going to call the feds on you?”, and I can’t blame him.
Poor Heather is trying to give her 17-year-old daughter a sex talk before she goes off to college and it’s the first and only time I’ve seen Heather be truly incompetent as a parent. She clearly uses words like “your whoopsie” “little bittle” for vagina, if she even acknowledges vaginas at all.
Lisa and Whitney continue to muddle through a detente over a couples dinner that Lisa organizes. This dinner just happens to be at the restaurant owned by the infamous caterers that cancelled on Lisa’s friend and Whitney’s cousin, Angie. If you recall, Whitney and Angie believe the caterers backed out after being told by Lisa’s people that they had better not cater an event where Whitney would be in attendance. The caterers join the group at the table to dispel Angie’s caterer accusations and Detective Whitney smells a trap. You know, caterer machinations. She thinks Lisa is pretending to be her friend just to prove her innocence in CaterGate 2021, and then, like a total loon Whitney starts waving her hands around like she’s shadow boxing in order to “fix her aura” and honestly, I don’t care if Lisa murdered Whitney’s dogs at this point – Whitney is a certified freak and Lisa should be embarrassed to be her friend. Then on a dime she’s like, “Here’s how we move forward, we just cannot bring up the past. And anytime you mention the past I’m going to dismiss it.” And by this point, poor Lisa is so stunned by Whitney’s derangement, she just agrees. Go along to get along, is what Lisa will say but with more ‘A’ sounds.
Jessica Besser-Rosenberg is a Chicago-based writer, comedian, and admirer of all the women on every Real Housewives franchise ever. (Except D.C. That one sucked.) Her work has been featured in the RedEye, MockMoms, The Belladonna Comedy, The Second City Network, and the iO Comedy Network. Follow her on Twitter at @JessGBR.