BOOB TUBE

by Jessica Besser-Rosenberg

Is it just me, or do the men on RHOSLC make the men on RHONJ seem downright puritanical?

First, Duy is still clinging to the idea that he needs a sister-wife who will give him seventy-five children, like something out of the damn Old Testament, without any regard for Jennie’s feelings or respect for the trauma of ten miscarriages. He explains that he has an empty feeling that can only be filled by more children. DUDE, fill yourself with weed, hotdogs, and PLENTY OF THERAPY. And then go back and grovel at the feet of your wife and three beautiful children, you chauvinistic sociopath. Blech. Jennie, please leave this man. He is, what’s the word for it in Utah? Ah yes, a dumpster fire.  

Then Seth, ever the poet Laureate, greets Meredith at a lunch with ten boob jokes he surely picked up watching reruns of The Man Show. Meredith seems bemused by his commitment to knockers repartee, which is maybe something she agreed to in marital therapy. “Okay hun I’ll be more involved with the kids, but first tell me what this number on the calculator spells. Yes, that’s an 8, two 0s…”

Meanwhile, Heather is throwing a joint party to celebrate Beauty Lab’s one-year anniversary in the new location, as well as the birthdays of all the babies who were born to her all-too-young employees last year. Beauty Lab: Come for the botox, stay for a baby in your early 20s. Whitney and Angie show up ready to throw back shots, as one does when in the presence of infant children. After insisting to Lisa last week that they both need to move on from past grievances, Whitney can’t wait to tell Angie that Lisa took her to the notorious caterers’ restaurant to try to prove her innocence. Angie is upset that Lisa is still trying to prove that she’s liar and promptly falls on the floor and then pukes in the bathroom. does when in the presence of infant children.

Somehow Whitney convinces all the ladies to go winter tubing – a sport that seems incredibly dull and incredibly hard. On the party bus up to the mountain, Mary insists that carbonated water can harden your ovaries and Lisa is like “What? I need to Google that,” which Mary finds very demeaning and racist. Because Lisa should just believe everything Mary says, I suppose. If not, Mary WILL send Jesus after you. 

So she bites Lisa’s head off and then continues to bicker well onto the ski slopes, at which pont Jennie tells Mary to shut the fuck up. Well, no one talks to Supreme Cult Leader Mary like that and those two start bickering. Jennie seems like she’s about to knock someone out which is completely understandable given she thought she was married to a man and it turned out to be a swamp monster in a comically large tie.

After the dullest morning of tubing, though I imagine all mornings of tubing are equally dull, the ladies gather for lunch. Lisa feels ganged up by the women and Angie and her hug it out and establish a cold truce, for now.

Jennie explains that her outburst is because today is the anniversary of her daughter’s death and she’s feeling really raw. The ladies comfort Jennie, save Mary, who seems to regard Jennie with a mix of suspicion and disdain. Like the prominent religious and spiritual leader she is.

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