by Jessica Besser-Rosenberg

Mary M Cosby is the most terrifying type of mean girl – the  type that doesn’t give a shit what you think about her. And I know from middle school that you should not mess with this type of mean girl (I’m looking at you, Jillian Milne of 7th grade). She is so cruel that even these ballbusting broads know that you have to be a simpleton to cross her. Which is why Whitney has spent the last few episodes in Mary’s direct line of fire. SHE DUMB! And she doesn’t know when to stfu. 

This episode of RHOSLC picks back up with Lisa discussing the allegations that Mary runs a cult. Allegedly, Mary forced Cameron, Lisa’s friend, and former congregant at Mary’s church, to mortgage his house so she could have odor gland surgery, which, if I understand Christianity, and I don’t, is exactly what Jesus wanted for his followers.

Meredith is growing increasingly upset by these allegations. At the root of her indignation is that no one believed her when she accused Jen of being a terrible person, and now the ladies, homeland security, the NYPD, and defrauded old people, know she’s awful. It is now inconceivable that these women should expect Meredith  to believe unfounded rumors about sweet, pious Mary, who may be actually running a cult and stealing from her congregation.

At this point, Lisa is done with arguing and heads off to bed, except she stops by Mary’s room to ask Mary in a roundabout way if she’s running a cult. Mary laughs it off and then Lisa conveniently tells Mary that Heather and Whitney were trashing her,  omitting her role in the conversation. 

The next morning, we learn of Mary’s giving spirit. She’s gifted Jennie an old pair of Louboutins,  to Meredith, she gifted a fancy hat, and to Heather and Lisa, she gifted designer purses. She has gifted Whiteny a lot of side-eye and an haute-couture fuck you. 

Heather heads out for lunch with her long-lost sister who left the church years before Heather. They agree to rebuild their relationship so long as Heather improves her taste in mixed drinks. These two are very sweet and I’m glad they’ll get to spend eternity together in Outer Darkness.

When Heather returns, Meredith gathers everyone together for an honest conversation where for the 5th time in five weeks, Whitney learns that Mary dislikes her. Maybe it will stick this time. Whitney accuses Lisa of throwing her under the bus, Lisa accuses Whitney of always picking on her, and Mary calls Whitney and Heather every trash name in the book. Heather, with Whitney in tow, runs off to the bathroom to weep, while the rest of the ladies board a private plane to Salt Lake City. Heather and Whitney, meanwhile, search for a Delta flight, while a small part of them is likely shaking their fists at the sky, asking God if they left the church for this?

Jessica Besser-Rosenberg is a Chicago-based writer, comedian, and admirer of all the women on every Real Housewives franchise ever. (Except D.C. That one sucked.) Her work has been featured in the RedEye, MockMoms, The Belladonna Comedy, The Second City Network, and the iO Comedy Network. Follow her on Twitter at @JessGBR.

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