GET IN LOSER WE GOTTA GO MURDER SAMANTHA

by Jeremy Owens

Listen, Girl. We gotta talk.

Surely you got yourself in front of some HBO last night for the Sex and the City reboot. Last night. Yesterday. Whatever. Streaming is weird. ANYWAY. SURELY YOU WATCHED. I know you’re way too cool and are running around telling everyone you don’t care, but I’m a Scorpio and I see right through your BS that’s why I’m writing this post.

I SEE YOU, FOOL.

You didn’t want to tell anyone, but you were so excited you put on heels and made cosmos and got out those emergency Marlboro Lights you keep in your sock drawer.

It’s OK. SO DID I.

Well, except the smoking part. I can’t be doing the cigs. There was a time I delighted in the occasional stogie, but I’m a middle aged person now and have to work very hard to keep myself from punching smokers in the face when I see them on the street. I don’t know how it happened but I turned 40 and — ahem — JUST LIKE THAT — smokers give me flashes of rage.

If you have not watched And Just Like That — this is where you should turn around and fix your life. Either get to your TV or fancy watching device or just light yourself on fire.

You’ve been warned!

Before I get into it? I want to say this show, these women, the dresses, the hair, the casual walks in New York City — ALLLLL OF ITTTT — brings me such joy. I love it. I want them on my TV always and forever. I will watch these ladies until my eyeballs fall right out my head and when that finally happens I’ll just sit very close to the television and giggle and shout from my deathbed. I LOVE IT. So don’t go mistaking anything I say for something other than LOVE.

That being said — I HAVE QUESTIONS.

First?

Let’s get right to it …

IF YOU DO NOT KICK OFF YOUR PURPLE SHOES (these fools kept calling them blue, and I will dig up Justice Ginsburg and fight this all the way to the Supreme Court those shoes are purple) IF YOU DO NOT KICK OFF YOUR PURPLE SHOES AND DIAL 911 FOR ME I WILL HAUNT YOUR ASS FOR THE REST OF TIME. What in the name of Surgeon General … Vice Admiral Vivek H. Murthy was going on there? Were those acting choices? Was that a directing choice? BIG was wide awake and moving his arm around, and you can’t call the cops? Did Carrie get her MD since we saw her last and she just knew this dude was dead? Did Chris Noth go the Charlotte rout and got Botox 3 minutes before filming (more on this later) and didn’t realize HE WAS LOOKING AT ME ON MY TV. Maybe he just didn’t know his eyes were open and everybody in production is blind and didn’t notice that man looked alive?

WTF HAPPENNEDDDDDDDD.

I’ll tell you what! It sounded like the last 2 minutes of a basketball game at my house when all that went down. Lord have mercy.

ALSO — THANKS A LOT — I’m scared to ride my bike today. Which reminds me — uhhhh — I COULDNT HELP BUT WONDER — what exactly do you call a room with a bike and a shower and clothes? Maybe he died from the stress of trying to figure out what to call that room? I mean how do you explain to the 911 operator where you are in your penthouse with all those things happening in one place? WOULD THEY FIND YOU? It’s almost as stressful as a damned heart attack. And while we’re on the subject of rooms? Hooooooooo told Carrie to make all these bold and mismatched wallpaper choices?

IM ASSUMING IT WAS THAT HEIFER SAMANTHA.

Yeah. She’s dead to me now.

BUT BEFORE I GET INTO THAT … let’s talk about these men. I think I can speak for all men everywhere and say that as a people we need to get it together. These dudes are just as cute and handsome as we all remember but THEY GOT OLD. Listen, don’t send me hate mail. It’s just true. I’m not even talking about Steve getting a hearing aid, (which PS BY THE WAY I’m not sure if that’s a character choice or a real live thing and also WHAT) and it’s OK that Harry looks like somebody stuffed him in a burlap sack and beat him about the face, but WHAT IN THE WORLD. It’s not even that they look older (time has passed I get it) but THEY SOUNDED OLD. Like — come here and sit on grandpa’s lap old. Like, can we get some camomile tea or some throat lozenges on set?

Know who’s not a grandpa? CHE MF DIAZ.

Dear lord in heaven. How is Che this hot? DONT ANSWER THAT QUESTION I ALREADY KNOW HOW. I mean I know because Sara Ramirez is literally the hottest most talented and gorgeous person ever but I forgot because its been a minute. I hereby declare RAMIREZ CAN NEVER LEAVE OUR TVS EVER AGAIN. I’m the gayest person you might know and I was turned on by them. Maybe that’s the point? I don’t know. So. Yeah. SO HOT. When this show ends (and I’m not suggesting it should) I would like to RSVP for the Che Diaz spin off.

There are one zillion little details I could talk about today. Like — why are you trying to tell me Miranda has a drinking problem when anyone would need a drink after these two episodes, and why is Brady a sex maniac, and why in general did we have to see MESSY Miranda when she’s the strongest one? Not to mention — is this really the funeral Carrie would arrange, and how is she going to work on a podcast with these people who are sorta mean and so extra and not be ready for it. AND AND AND — why am I bruised this morning from all the leaning into the wokeness of it all? AND OK. WE GET IT. EVERYBODY IS OLDER. Please stop talking about it now and just move forward. AND EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I SHOULD NOT ASK — why is Charlotte’s face so locked into place? I know it fits the character and yet IM STILL UPSET.

MOSTLY WHAT LAST NIGHT TAUGHT ME IS I AM MAD AT KIM CATTRALL.

I was annoyed when I read she wouldn’t do the third movie and I’m really annoyed she wouldn’t do this show. Do we feel her absence? Of course? Is she needed? Maybe? I’m not really totally sure yet except for the part where I’m pissed and I’m deciding the answer is NOPE. I didn’t buy the story that Samantha is mad at Carrie for not needing a publicist. Samantha does a lot of crazy shit, but holding a grudge against BFF Carrie is not one of them. So I’ll just say that felt extra to me, but I get it — what can you do? You have to leave her the chance to come back I guess, but MY GOD IM SO MAD.

I understand why actors get bored and want to move on artistically, but also as much as this hurts my heart to say — it’s actually not even about you, Kim. You ruined the party. AND DURING A PANDEMIC. So, honestly, we didn’t order those damned flowers, in fact, BISH, I SAID Noooooooo flowers so get on outta here. In fact, you know what, I’m getting in my car and Imma drive to London and throw your ass in the river Thames my own damned self.

All that aside — whatever any of us are feeling about any of these choices — I happened to love it. Everyone on the show kept saying … over and over … WE CANT STAY THE SAME. They were saying it to each other, but I think really it was a message for us. THEY CANT STAY THE SAME.

They can’t, y’all.

While a lot of what we watched felt like a gut punch, I felt it was necessary to sorta blow everything up and start anew. I’m looking forward to Charlotte’s face settling down so she can blink, and whatever Miranda does with her hair, I just hope somebody over there teaches everyone WHAT PURPLE IS and that I pray to Moses, Jesus, Muhammad, and the cast of Wicked that I never have to see Big masturbate again. My heart can’t take it!

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Jeremy Owens is originally from Stuttgart, Arkansas, the rice and duck capital OF THE WORLD. He is the creator, producer and host of You’re Being Ridiculous, a long running live-lit show most recently featured at Steppenwolf as part of their LookOut Series. Jeremy’s writing has appeared in Alma, Chicago Magazine, and others. He met Cher at a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton in 2016 and has yet to recover. insta: @jeremyashley twitter: @jeremyashley