Hello, and welcome to the very worst Tuesday of the year. Summer is over, we’re supposed to be eating pumpkins, and wearing white is illegal until Memorial Day.
Thems the rules, y’all.
Yeah. Except meanwhile I definitely stepped out of my car at work to find some heiffer wearing THE WHITEST pants in all of America. It’s fine. I guess the rules don’t apply to her? Maybe she’s from some stupid place like England. She’s got a new prime minister and a terrible accent so she thinks she can do what she wants. It’s all good — I gave her the meanest, nastiest, most judgmental gay death stare I could muster, so she’s probably in her car as I type this — crying and rocking back and forth while blasting All I Want for Christmas Is You.
She’s not the only one wildin’ out today.
When I rolled over this morning and grabbed my phone my little corneas were assaulted with this Jerry Seinfeld nonsense. I mean — what is going on here. Just when I think I have seen every single thing in the known Universe.
Suprise, Bitch. Here’s Jerry Seinfeld looking like an asshole. Which, I know that’s basically a double negative, but like WOW HE LOOKS LIKE AN ASSHOLE HERE.
Kith? Can someone tell me WTF is a Kith?
Is that Kiss with a lisp? Did you misspell KEITH?
WHAT IS HAPPENING.
I’m a homosexual. I know about fashion and brands, and not one single person has bothered to tell me about KITH. I think that might just mean it’s not actually a thing at all, well, except that their clothes are VERY expensive.
ANWYAY — Here I was thinking I’m a nice person, a person who doesn’t think everyone should be dressing their age. I guess I can throw that idea right into the garbage. Wait. Maybe my eyes are broken and this isn’t Jerry Seinfeld at all. Maybe Pete Davidson spent too much time in the sun and one too may minutes with the Kardashians. Pete’s 70 now with a $4,000 jacket? Either way, it’s not good, and I don’t like it. Here’s some more if your eyes haven’t bled enough.
This just proves my point, y’all. Yes, I swear I do have one.
CELEBRITIES ARE NOT OK.
Here you are thinking your little work from home moment in your Target tee and panties is stressful. WELL. You might want to text your favorite movie star. She is not OK. OKAYYY? In a one two punch this morning I went from Jerry’s late life crisis “fashion” ad TO THIS MESS:
Yeah, uhh, I’m not really into prayer circles, but MY DUDES — when Aqua Man shaves his head — it might be time to build that storm shelter out back. Is this the END OF DAYS?
What — other than that ass and those abs and all that height — does this one have without the hair?
Listen, I love the environment. Hell, I was outside today for like four and a half minutes. BUT — is protesting plastic really a good enough reason for the hottest man alive to go all Sinéad O’Connor? Locks of Love, Childhood Cancer, Homeless not Toothless. Gimme SOMETHING, Jason.
Plastic ain’t it, dude.
Maybe somebody will leak his nudes and I can forget all about this imbroglio.
And that’s not all! Maybe Harry Styles spat on Chris Pine at the Venice Film Festival? I guess their new movie Don’t Worry Darling premiered last night and when Harry arrived he was seen (ALLEGEDLY) spitting on Pine? Honestly, who can blame him. Pine suddenly has a Hillary Clinton bob and has been giving “RuPaul visiting the workroom” vibes everywhere he goes. I’d spit on him too!
What’s more the film’s star Florence Pugh is in a fight with director Olivia Wilde because Olivia was hooking up with Harry? It’s a drama for the ages — Flo is refusing to promote the movie. She won’t even make eye contact with Olivia?
Anyway, more about the full drama here, check on your movie stars friends. THEY AINT OKAY.