GOODBYE, NORMA JEANE

Apparently, September is a super big month for old lady corpse. I mean I love me some QE2, but if they didn’t put Mamaw in the ground this week I was going to call Child Protective Services. I know she was the queen for 70 years, but good lord she had more adventures while dead in the last few weeks than I did all summer while alive. I, for one, was relieved to see her take that coffin elevator down to her new apartment on Monday. I’m going to keep my mourning blacks and veil within arm’s reach just in case they decide to dig her up when Chucky screws the pooch. Lucky for us another golden oldie is coming to keep us entertained. Yeah, just when we all thought we were safe from old lady carcass being paraded around past her expiration date — here comes a new Marilyn Monroe movie.

Ughhh

I know, right?

What did any of us do to deserve this?

My eyes were just beginning to heal from all that serious eye rolling I was doing at Kim Kardashian for wearing Marilyn’s dress last spring. If you’re a normal person who doesn’t need to read every dumb thing on the internet about every dumb famous person — you might not know KK wore one of Marilyn Monroe’s famous dresses for all of THREE MINUTES to the Met Gala red carpet this year. Obvi this led to a whole entire drama with Kim being accused of ruining the garment. Did beads fall off? Were the beads already missing? WHO CAN SAY!? All Kimberly could tell us was how happy she was to wear the dress to teach her young fans who Marilyn Monroe was.

Exhausted yet?

Well, gird your loins. I’m about to say something Earth shattering.

Does it matter if kids today know WTF Marilyn Monroe was? She was like fine. It isn’t like she cracked the enigma code or invented the air fryer. So she made a couple movies, sang Happy Birthday to Jack Kennedy, and got to sleep with Joe DiMaggio, and Arthur Miller. BIG WHOOP. I mean I’m jealous, young Arthur Miller was a babe, but also — SO WHAT. I can’t be bothered to keep pretending MM is taking up any space in my little ADHD addled brain. Have you seen any of her movies? I’m guessing PROBABLY NOT. Wanna know why? These creepy old dudes are out here making so many movies and documentaries and everything else about her that YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ALREADY DID. Also? While we’re here … the movies are like aiiiiiiiiiiiht. I know. Controversial. I have seen ONE of her movies and I’ll tell you — it did not change my life.

I SAID WHAT I SAID.

I don’t want to start a war of the generations here but can someone please come get these old relics? (Please notice how I did not mention the Boomers. You’re welcome). A terrible Elvis movie AND a Marilyn flick ALL IN ONE YEAR? You guys sure know how to beat a dead horse. One of you popped a boner for this lady back in the 50s and so now we’re all just going to have to recycle her story in some form or another until the seas rise up and carry us all away (because you also refuse to do anything about Climate Change).

I AM ALL CANDLE IN THE WINDED OUT, MY DUDES.

Oh, I can’t wait to see some crap about Marilyn and the MOB and/or Marilyn and how she was murdered by the Kennedys and/or Marilyn and how she was smarter than we think and/or Marilyn and how tragic her life was and/or Marilyn and how wildly talented and misunderstood she was and and and. . .

Good news for me then since Netflix has released Blonde, it’s long-awaited adaptation of Joyce Carol Oates’s 2000 fictional biography of Monroe. Oh, well isn’t that great, so not only did we have to go and make ANOTHER movie about this super sexualized and gorgeous plastic bag blowing around in the proverbial wind, we had to let the very worst transphobe this side of JK Rowling write it.

Good job, everybody.

SIDE NOTE: WE WERE THE MULVANEYS IS A TERRIBLE BOOK. AND I HOPE JOYCE CAROL OATS GETS EATEN BY A PACK OF WILD TRANS WOMEN ON HER WAY TO BUY SOME NEW GIGANTIC EYE GLASSES LATER TODAY.

Oop. I guess I have some feelings?

For the die-hards out there, you’ll be thrilled to know this new (lol) movie features the greatest hits — breathy Marilyn “accent” (that somehow took nine months to perfect), flowy white dress, dramatic black and white moments, and all the poor unfortunate damsel in distress pouts, screams, and hair flips your little eyes can handle. The flick even boasts Netflix’s first NC-17 rating, because of course it does. How could we tell this story for the 984th time with out getting our rocks off?

Wow, we really are a bunch of garbage people. When are we gonna stop digging up Norma Jeane? I’d honestly rather you tell me we’ve got six more weeks of the queen’s funeral. Don’t you think it’s time she saw Ohio? I hear it’s nice this time of year.

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