Oh dear …
Mummy has been in the ground for all of three minutes and poor Queen Prince Charles III already has her knickers in a twist. I know. I KNOW. I’m sick of these fools too. Except for the part where this one continues to step in it. I can’t stop watching them pretend to be real live human people, but MOSTLY — I’d like someone to please explain to me how we’re supposed to call her anything but QUEEN Prince Charles III. I think we can all agree QUEEN just sounds better. BUT ALSO. It’s pretty clear she’s a big ol’ QUEEN. I haven’t the foggiest idea what straight men do with their free time, but you cannot convince me they’re running around buying pinky rings. Yeah, girl, she wears a pinky ring. So it’s a gift from her mother. So it’s a tradition of the royal family. SO WHAT — you’ll just have to forgive me when I curtsy and call her QUEEN PRINCE CHARLES III.
A PINKY RING.
Not even Jonathan Van Ness wears a pinky ring. (More on this fashion disaster later — for now I’m working on being a nice person.)
Queen Prince Charles III (can we find her a nickname please — typing out this full name is really challenging) had a bumpy and rather hilarious first few days on the job. I know. Math is not my strong suit either, but SEVENTY THREE AND ONE HALF YEARS feels like an awfully long training period. One might think it’s plenty of time to get your act together. I mean how hard is this job? You wear a sash and look disgusted all day long.
WAIT. Maybe I’m Queen of the UK and didn’t know it. Is there someone I can call? Obviously there has been a terrible mix up.
So far it looks like the job is just fighting with a bunch of writing utensils. A few days ago someone left an inkwell and two pesky pen boxes on her desk and she acted like they were a couple of live chickens. The hand gestures and wild facial gymnastics were so extra I almost forgot to be offended by PEN BOXES. Yeah, I had to google that one since I live in the TWENTY FIRST CENTURY. I guess the UK really really really wants to double down on this whole OLD WORLD thing. PEN BOXES? INKWELLS? What in the world!? Don’t they have Amazon over there? Order a box of Bic Ultra Fine, y’all. They come in a variety of colours (that spelling is for my British readers) and I promise they don’t disappoint.
Poor Queen Prince Charles III didn’t learn a thing from his little pen box debacle. He was back at it days later when trying to sign a guest book. Yeah. Trying. It’s not super clear he actually signed anything because he threw a SPECTACULAR tantrum. WHO EVEN KNEW A QUEEN HAS TO SIGN A GUEST BOOK HERSELF! Also? GUEST BOOK? LOL — please join us here in the future. She freaked all the way out when a fountain pen leaked on her, and left Camilla to do the honors herself. Let’s hope she’s the one driving the ship. She uncapped a pen — ONE MADE IN THIS CENTURY — and signed the book like a pro.
Inkwells, pen boxes, guest books — why not just use a turkey feather and Megan Markle’s blood to sign all of her important documents. My goodness how ridiculous. It’s too bad someone didn’t have their phone out when they told her Netflix has released the trailer for season five of The Crown.
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
The new season is all about the 1990s, which means they will be doing a DEEP dive into Queen Prince Charles III’s divorce from Diana. I was so excited when I saw the trailer and release date (November 9, you’re welcome) I nearly swallowed my teeth. Wonder what ol’ Charlie did!? I’m guessing there was some REAL drama (maybe she threw her pinky ring at her manservant) because The Palace has made a low key announcement. The Telegraph reports, “The Palace has moved to protect the reputation of the King.”
Yo. What is up with these people. They realize we already know what happened, right? We know she was a big fat jerk in the 90s, BECAUSE IT WAS THIRTY YEARS AGO. Tampon-gate, anyone?? He’s lucky we aren’t calling him Queen Prince Charles THE TURD, which is exactly what he is. You’d think she’d just rejoice about Dominic West being cast to play her. If his mother hadn’t just kicked the bucket to give her a job, I’d say the casting was the nicest thing that has ever happened to her. The Monarchy is an all out clown show, but I am here for it — especially in this cute little adjustment period where she learns to get that stiff upper lip firmly in place.