Spooky Season is really outdoing itself this year. There’s a 20-foot blowup ghost with anger issues (and flashing lights) in the yard next door, I just read Kim Kardashian had sex with Pete Davidson by a fireplace to honor her grandmother, and Madonna is terrorizing children on TikTok.

If you aren’t shaking in your sweatpants right now, you might want to consider asking Alexa to dial 911. You might actually be dead. I’ll do us all a big favor and skip right over that fireplace nonsense because TikTok. I know, right? Madonna has a TikTok account. Like — can you name anything more frightening?

My hands can’t even type the word TikTok with out reaching for the Metamucil and Extra Strength Tylenol. Listen, I consider myself to be a pretty hip and happening person. I read. I’m on the socials. I see the trends. I know what’s going on. I’m even sorta kinda almost onboard with this whole Brendan Fraser renaissance thing that’s happening, but I’ll tell you what — I draw a hard and fast line at TikTok. Who has that kind of time on their hands? I can’t manage a FOURTH social media platform AND my ever growing devotion to the Real Housewives.

It’s all very confusing. Her account, because obvi I did a deep dive, might actually be the most chaotic place on the whole entire internets. There are a bunch of bizarre videos where she literally just zooms in and out on her face over and over? Then there’s a ton of prancing around a mirrored room that might be her bathroom. Some lip syncing, filters, filters, and more filters, and my personal fave — a 30-second video where she sings a Father’s Day message to her dad (uhhh — does she think he’s on TikTok?) while a metal arm filter vogues all around her face.

Speaking of her face? Can we talk about how it’s out here literally testing the limits of what a face is supposed to do? Now, don’t go calling the cops. I know a person’s face is none of my beeswax, except that this face has been forcing itself at me for 40 years. Back in 2006 I paid $350 to see this face up close and personal from crappy seats at her show (which I guess I still have feelings about), so it’s basically mine. The brows are bleached, but like what else is happening? Are those filters? Is she an alien now?

The whole thing is totally weird and maybe event totally worth a Google if you’re like me and are avoiding work or have literally nothing to do this afternoon. It’s a lot, but it’s also sorta impressive. I mean Madge is 64 and has more money than God. She could literally be on Jupiter right now being hand fed grapes and collecting beanie babies, but here she is refusing to watch reruns of the Golden Girls and eat mashed potatoes for diner like the rest of us.

What? Just me??

The Queen of Pop, and her ever raging against the dying of the light vibes, took to TikTok again this week and nearly broke the damned internet. She did her spin on what is apparently a new viral trend by attempting to throw a pair of bright pink panties into the trash and purposely missing.

Text over the video read: “If I miss, I’m Gay.”

So if this wasn’t some weirdo tribute to National Coming Out Day on October 11, then I think the Material Girl just came out as gay.

Good for her? I guess?

Check the calendar, y’all. It’s 2022. Who isn’t queer at this point? Also? Newsflash. You’re Madonna. This is not the first time she has alluded to her sexuality. Anyone remember that Britney kiss? How about how she was allegedly involved with model Jenny Shimizu back in ‘96? Ol’ girl even told us in 1991 that, “I think everybody has a bisexual nature.”


I don’t know about y’all, but these days I need my celebrities to take it a little further to get me paying attention. So … should I clap? Somebody please tell me what to do here because being gay is so 1997, and all I really want is for her to make us a decent album.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this piece … please click this link and subscribe to my substack newsletter “Gays Judge the Neighborhood” — a salty pop culture newsletter from my inner Julia Sugarbaker.

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