GET IN LOSER WE GOTTA GO MURDER SAMANTHA

by Jeremy Owens Listen, Girl. We gotta talk. Surely you got yourself in front of some HBO last night for the Sex and the City reboot. Last night. Yesterday. Whatever. Streaming is weird. ANYWAY. SURELY YOU WATCHED. I know you're way too cool and are running around telling everyone you don't care, but I'm a … Continue reading GET IN LOSER WE GOTTA GO MURDER SAMANTHA

MARY MARY QUITE CONTRARY

by Jessica Besser-Rosenberg Mary M Cosby is the most terrifying type of mean girl - the  type that doesn’t give a shit what you think about her. And I know from middle school that you should not mess with this type of mean girl (I’m looking at you, Jillian Milne of 7th grade). She is … Continue reading MARY MARY QUITE CONTRARY

ARMED SHAH-BBERY

by Jessica Besser-Rosenberg If I could do it all over again, I would have gone to law school and specialized in Real Housewives fraud. Truly, I could have made a nice living representing idiots who go on national television, flaunting their conspicuous consumption, while benefiting from glaringly illegal money-making schemes.  But the Housewives of Salt … Continue reading ARMED SHAH-BBERY

LIFTING THE VAIL

by Jessica Besser-Rosenberg I have seen tiny men wrestle each other on RHONJ, I have seen Mama Joyce try to fight Kandi’s best friend on RHOA, and I’ve seen  Kim… be Kim on RHOBH, but hand to god, I have never seen an episode of Real Housewives that is this batshit crazy. Almost every scene … Continue reading LIFTING THE VAIL

BOOB TUBE

by Jessica Besser-Rosenberg Is it just me, or do the men on RHOSLC make the men on RHONJ seem downright puritanical? First, Duy is still clinging to the idea that he needs a sister-wife who will give him seventy-five children, like something out of the damn Old Testament, without any regard for Jennie’s feelings or … Continue reading BOOB TUBE

CATERGATE

by Jessica Besser-Rosenberg On this episode of RHOSLC, Lisa checks every Real Housewives activity cliché off of her list. First, she gets to know Whitney through silk-rope acrobatics, which is when stay-at-home moms try stripping for a day and pee a little bit when flexing.  Then she gets fish pedicures with Meredith and Jenny. While … Continue reading CATERGATE

BUCKLE UP

by Jessica Besser-Rosenberg Sometimes, one needs to put all this Utah drama in perspective. Like when Mary shows up at Whitney’s house with a fresh batch of cookies and a gruesome tale about how the previous night, one of her congregants’ daughter’s crashed her car, flew through her sunroof, and landed on a neighborhood 30 … Continue reading BUCKLE UP

MAYBE SHE’S BORN WITH IT?

GIRL. Looky here. You know I'd rather walk on my lips than talk about somebody, but I just -- well -- I guess I'm going to have to say a little extra prayer tonight and put a bonus shot of holy water in my vodka tonic before bed. Now. Imma need you to take a … Continue reading MAYBE SHE’S BORN WITH IT?

JOY BEHAR: AMERICAN HERO

by Jeremy Owens GIRL. I cannot stop thinking about Joy! Don't act like you don't know who I'm talking about, and please for the love of CHEESE do not go thinking I am talking about HAPPINESS -- that's ridiculous. How many people do you know named JOY. This isn't 1952, sweetheart, YOU DONT KNOW NOT … Continue reading JOY BEHAR: AMERICAN HERO

PROTECTING, DEFLECTING, AND TROUT

by Jessica Besser-Rosenberg Ask for the Mormon ideal of perfection and you shall receive. In a pandemic, where everyone is on Zoom all day, there is a Botox-filled lining. No one wants to stare into a glowing screen and see their wrinkles waving back, so Heather’s Beauty Lab has grown exponentially. And have you heard? … Continue reading PROTECTING, DEFLECTING, AND TROUT